Quitter

I stood outside of OB´s cage, fumbling with the keys, "Which one is it?" I hissed as the mosquitos descended upon me in a dark, black cloud of venom. I waved my hand in vain around my face and ears.

"Fucking bugspray is absolutely useless." I didn´t want to have to take out the mosquito net, but at this rate, I was never getting into this cage to clean and feed my unfriendly ocelot.

The mosquito net was damp and smelled of a mixture of citronella and sweat from having been in my back packet and as I tied it around my hat, sweat immediately begin to run down my forehead down my cheeks onto my neck. My personal sauna was complete: black rubber boots to my knees, two pairs of cotton pants, three shirts, a safari hat, the smelly, wet net and bright orange rubber gloves, the kind you use when you clean the bathroom or the dishes and don´t want to wrinkle your hands.

In reality, the work probably wouldn´t have been so bad if the mosquitos weren`t so ridiculous. Or if it wasn`t so incredibly hot, but of course part of the reason it was so incredibly hot, was the quantity of clothing to prevent the mosquitos from eating you alive. So far, from what I could tell, it was NOT working. My feet were so badly bitten, they were a red, swollen version of their former selves. Would they ever go back to being normal? I could not at that moment be sure. I wondered briefly as I finally got the cage to open if you could die from too many mosquito bites. I hoped not.

"OB. . ." I called softly searching the cage for her leopard like print. She was nowhere to be found. I sighed heavily as I saw that she had left all her dinner untouched again for the second day in a row. I took a deep breath, held it in and approached the festering, maggot covered raw slabs of meat that I had placed the night before on the banana leaf. I grabbed it quickly and pitched into the deep brush of the jungle outside of her cage. "I wouldn`t eat it either," I remarked to OB whereever she was, "I don`t blame you." But she should want it, what was going on with this strangely shy animal. Why wasn´t she eating? And why was I, without any relevant experience with any animals, let alone wild animals, the sole responsible party to take care of her in this state. Yeah, that made a lot of sense. I was beginning to wonder about this organization.

I splashed the iodine water on my gloves and the wood where the rotting meat had been and began to scrub. The buzzing in my ears got louder and I flicked my iodine soaked hand in the air to chase the mosquitos waiting just outside my net to eat me alive. The sweat poured down my face, my chest, my legs. I was covered in sweat in this smelly cage in the middle of nowhere, with a cat that could care less that I existed. I didn´t even really like to play with house cats, what had I been thinking? Had I completely forgotten who I was when I signed up for this adventure. I had to get out of here. No way I was lasting two whole weeks in my own personal hell. I mean, yeah, it´s good to challenge yourself, but this was ridiculous!

After feeding OB her newest meal she wouldn`t eat, I wandered around the cage to try to locate her. The cage was not that big, she had to be here somewhere. "OB, " I called softly, "¿dónde estás gatito? come out and say hello. . "

I looked into the wooden shelter where I had placed the meat, but no OB. I searched on the wooden plank laid out for her to sun herself, no OB. Finally, I found her curled in a little ball in the hay in the second wooden shelter. The hay smelled damp and moldy and I wondered if that was why she was so lethargic. Tomorrow I would change the hay and clean the cage properly. That is if I didn´t run away screaming later that night. "Come here OB. Come say hello."

OB pulled herself up and sauntered across the cage to rub her head against my legs. For a moment, I forgot the mosquitos and the heat and the raw meat and stared in wonder at this wild ocelot with her soft, spotted fur as she rubbed against my legs just like every sad little kitty that just wants love and affection. I pulled off one of the orange rubber gloves and wiped my sweaty hands on my dirty pants. I reached down slowly to offer her my hand, "Hola amor, hola gatito." She looked curiously at my hand, licked it once with her sandpapery tongue and then promptly bit me. That was the end of my friendliness. I jumped back, surprised and shouted, "NO! OB! NO!" Yeah, I am sure that helped. She just stared at me as if to say, "Duh, chiquita, what did you expect? After all I am a wild ocelot." Right.

I locked up the cage, walked down the jungle path to Engine´s cage, my stomach cramping as I walked. All day long my stomach had been hurting. I wondered what it was. I heard Engine before I reached his cage, his trademark growling having given him his name. I locked him in the small cage so I could enter and clean his cage, there was no cuddling with Engine. But at least he ate his food. The smell of something rotting was overwhelming as I approached his sleeping shelter. What was that smell? Then I saw it, a dead, rotting rat. "Great, just great." I wiped my eyes against the mosquito net with the back of my glove and sighed heavily. This was a test I was bound to fail. The rat, about the length of a football lay crookedly in Engine´s sleeping hay. "That´ll teach you to try and eat his food ratty," I said as I brushed the rat from the wooden plank onto the dirt floor with a rake. "Come on little ratty, let´s go," I murmered the stench of rotting rodent making my stomach lurch as I dragged him across the cage, accompanied by Engine´s pacing and growling in his little holding cell.

"Yeah, Yeah, coming I am coming." I called to him. This was so not my ideal job. What had I been thinking. My stomach could hold on no longer. I no sooner got the rat out of the cage, then that day´s lunch came back up to haunt me. "Yum, french fries and eggs a second time. Mmm, mmm, mmm." I slipped the mosquito net back in my pocket. That would need to be washed and finished cleaning and feeding Engine, my body a quivering mass.

As I walked back along the path, I swatted aimlessly at the air, my stomach alternately cramping up with waves of naseau. I had to get out of hear. A job worth doing is a job worth doing well, my father has always said. For me, this job was just not worth doing.

Then it hit me, still over a kilometer from home, my stomach had a violent cramp. I was not going to make it. I looked around to see if anyone was coming. Left, right, left. Not a sole in sight. This was not going to be pretty, but there was no way I was making it all the way back to the bathrooms. I stepped off the path, prayed for solitude and slowly lowered my sweat covered pants. Instantly the mosquitos swarmed my butt and thighs. I knew this was not going to be pleasant, especially not later when I reviewed the damage the mosquitos had done.

Back on the trail, I spoke softly to myself. "Just explain to Noemi that you have to go. It´s ok if you leave early. You tried it. It´s just not for you." I had all but convinced myself when I got to the crossroads to head back to the camp or head left to where Natalia and Magnus worked with a Puma named Wayra. I vaguely remembered Natalia telling me she was on her own today and instinctively I turned down the path.

Really, in retrospect, Natalia was the reason I didn´t leave that very night. Natalia, a tall thin blonde girl from Sweden who had been at the park for 5 weeks along with her classmate, Magnus. Natalia, who had called me America that night when everyone else went to Guarayos and I couldn´t, because I was on a night watch that never happened. Natalia was the reason I stayed three additional days, making it exactly a week when I finally jumped ship.

Not to say that Natalia didn´t support my decision. She was immediately sympathetic as she twirled the humedor, trying to drum up smoke to keep the mosquitos at bay. She understood my predicament exactly. It was miserable there and the animals were never going to be released, a fact that disappointed both of us, even if we technically understood the reasons behind that decision. This was not the place either of us had imagined and now that the mosquitos had descended upon us like a bible plague, there was very little anyone could do, besides get bitten and scratch.

After Natalia´s prodding, I decided I could stay on till Friday, the day that she and Magnus would also head to Santa Cruz. I could spend the weekend with them and then head to Argentina to meet back up with John. It sounded like a good plan. Especially the part where I got a new friend to hang out with, confide in, bitch to and in general have fun. I realized that is what I had been missing for a long time. Funny how sometimes you don´t even realize what you are missing until it reappears in your life.

I have to say that the rest of the week was a bit of a blur. My jaguar, Sama, was destined never to get used to me in only three days and spent more time ignoring me or charging the bars than actually coming over to the edge of the cage to be put on a leash and attached to his runner. Engine continued to growl and OB, unfortunately for her, continued to ignore me and not eat. I did manage to clean her cage and get the vet to give her an anti-parasite shot. I do hope that helps.

The Americans from Arizona arrived Tuesday or Wednesday night, and after an initial snap judgement based on their state of origen and twangy drawl, I got to know that Matt and Mike were liberal Bush haters too. Fantastic.

We did manage to escape the park two nights to head into the "town" of Santa Maria, a small community 8 kilometers down the road, easily reached by any passing bus, called a micro, or truck heading that way. The canned beer wasn´t exactly cold, but the mosquitos were laughable and it was good to be able to sit in short sleeves without fear of attack.

Looking back on the experience a week later in an internet cafe in the hot, busy city of Buenos Aires, I feel happy I stuck it out. No, I didn´t make it the whole two weeks and so I guess, yeah, that makes me a quitter. But I did make it longer than I ever imagined I would. I learned something about myself, made some friends and hopefully, helped some animals a bit.