People keep
asking me if I am excited. People keep telling me that I should be excited, “Oh my
god! You have a year off! You are sooo lucky! You must be soooooo excited. I wish I had the year off."
Wanna hear the thing about it? I am not
sure that I am.
I have been feeling something lately though – a weird feeling. A sort of nagging. I keep thinking, "What is that feeling? And then this week, finally, sitting staring at the Pacific Ocean in PB, I figured it out. It’s
a feeling of missing out.
Can you even have FOMO for the start of the school year? That doesn't even make sense given that I am on a sabbatical. Though those that know me are likely not that surprised.
Yet, nevertheless it’s true. I feel sad that I am not writing a letter to staff, that I am not the one looking for a new ELA teacher for 8th grade and a literacy coach or planning what we’ll do for R’s memorial. Pretty narcissistic I know. But hey, I call it as I see it.
I feel sad and maybe a little guilty. It feels so privileged to have the year off. Self indulgent and privileged. I know guilt is overrated and not that productive. But I can't help it, I'm Jewish. Feeling guilty is like breathing.
Can you even have FOMO for the start of the school year? That doesn't even make sense given that I am on a sabbatical. Though those that know me are likely not that surprised.
Yet, nevertheless it’s true. I feel sad that I am not writing a letter to staff, that I am not the one looking for a new ELA teacher for 8th grade and a literacy coach or planning what we’ll do for R’s memorial. Pretty narcissistic I know. But hey, I call it as I see it.
I feel sad and maybe a little guilty. It feels so privileged to have the year off. Self indulgent and privileged. I know guilt is overrated and not that productive. But I can't help it, I'm Jewish. Feeling guilty is like breathing.
Here are some things I know:
1. I am not excited, yet people want me to be, so sometimes I say I am.
2. A year is a long
time.
3. At the same time, a year is a blip in time.
4. It is hard for me to not check my work email or do work related things or over commit myself.
5. I feel like I
should have to do a school project or a volunteer stint somewhere or just not
be allowed to visit anyone I know or anywhere I’ve already been.
6. It is strange to not have to be
somewhere.
7. It is even stranger, and somewhat awkward, to not have to be responsible for anyone.
8. I wonder if I will still be a question mark after this year is over.
8. I wonder if I will still be a question mark after this year is over.
9. I wonder how this year will change me or my life.
10. I worry it won't.
11. I worry it will.
And so it begins
– as most things do, with a bit of mixed emotions, trepidation, a lot of questions and maybe just a
little bit of excitement.
1 comment:
I hope your school understands what a monumental blessing they have in you. If I know you, you will be gathering all sorts of wonderful experiences to share with colleagues and students when you return. You are a natural teacher--you just can't help yourself. Enjoy this year; you won't be eligible for another for probably 10 more years. Just sayin'. Be safe. Sra. Parkes
Post a Comment